This picture has nothing to do with this article.
Nothing. It's just fun seeing Will Montgomery
pointing and yelling like a drunken sailor.
Ahoy there, mateys!
I wasn’t sure what type of column to write this week. I
was overly excited and ready to write a biting, validation article countering
the relentless shellacking I received on the message boards last week. And it
was coming up roses for me too. It really was, until . . . and I’m going to
have to take my foot out of my mouth to explain this . . . until Pace hooked a
field goal. As if that weren’t enough to crush my “kiss my butt” column,
Randall decided to throw a horrible pass. Let me repeat that. A HORRIBLE pass,
across his body, falling down, to a wide-open West Virginia back-up
linebacker resulting in a touchdown the other way. Thus my hard hitting “I was
right” column flew right out the window, landed in the street, was run over by
a Peterbuilt, trampled by a marching band, and pooped on by a herd of elephants.
OK, so I may have been a wee bit overzealous last week, but simply just trying
to point out some positives in an otherwise ugly game. I still have my boy Imoh,
though. He’s running better than he ever has, even after the first hit.
Portions of this column were written as the WVU game was
being played and I left them in as I had written them. So, if I tend to jump
from past tense to present tense, it is intentional and not just because I am a
poor writer. By the way, as I write this sentence I’m in a very good mood that
is progressively worsening. It’s the fourth quarter and, while I thought this
game was in the bag, I am watching the Eers pull a QB draw for 6 out of their
collective couch burning butt. Now it’s 19-13 and I’m hitting the bottle.
Third and nine for the Eers and they’ve yet to convert on a third down today
and, oh my god, Lee Suggs with a huge defensive stop. I know it’s James
Griffin but I like living in the past.
Sorry for the play by play folks but the game is getting
to good for my liking. Let’s get back to the story. I had this volatile,
sarcastic, belittling column ready and then at 16-0 my boys decided to let me
down and prove everything I said about them last week somewhat incorrect. So let
me pull my foot out of my mouth and put pen to paper with this column that has
nothing to do with game analysis (as if any of mine ever do) and everything to
do with the spectacular commentating that we’ve got going on here.
Oh crap! With six minutes left in the game Randall gets
sacked twice and WVU is about to get the ball back. Let me just say that if we
lose this game I will not watch another Tech game for as long as I . . . well at
least a week . . . but you get the point.
Freakin’ wonderful! Forty-one seconds left in the game
and WVU has the ball. It is up to our defense now and Suggs (Griffin) just
dropped an easy interception. A sure pick to seal the W for us. Throw in some
trickery and WVU goes deep for a great catch. I am literally holding my breath.
And to top it off, we get a roughing the passer penalty costing us an additional
fifteen yards. I can’t take this. It’s like watching your buddy try to get a
number from the way-out-of-his-league hottie at the bar. At first it’s comical
but inevitably it hits that too-painful-to-watch point. That’s where I am with
this game. I can’t take this anymore. Another beer please.
Dear lord, I know I tend to only speak to you when I need
a Hokie, Redskin, or Red Sox victory, but let’s face it, you haven’t really
come through for me in the past few years. Oh, and about that Grady Little /
Pedro Martinez tease, that was just mean. I think you owe me one. So it seems
only fair that you damn to hell this Mountaineer drive. God, let us win this
game. And as if on cue, the Almighty graces Lane with his (or her – ah, who
really knows) presence in the form of a Hokie DB. Intercepted. Intercepted baby,
by Vinnie Fuller. GAME FREAKIN’ OVER. Hokies upset the number 6, undefeated,
couch burning, Mountaineers. Rank us baby. Rank the hell out of us.
As if the sweet smell of victory weren’t enough, Reece
Davis topped it off with the quote of the week – “the couches are safe in
West Virginia tonight.” But gone are their National Championship hopes. I
couldn’t be happier. There exists no team that I detest more than WVU. So we
beat the best team in the Big East. I’d like to say that means nothing to me
and it normally wouldn’t except that I hate – wait maybe that’s too strong
– I absolutely detest, with all of my being, West Virginia. You know if we
could put together last week's fourth quarter with this week's first three
quarters, then we might have a pretty good game one day. That being said, listen
to what our comedic commentators pondered about throughout this heavenly
football game. I love these guys:
- The announcer just said Fuller and Williams got into
each other’s “grill” on the sideline. Since when does Bob Davie say
“grill?” This should no longer be allowed.
- The commentator just said “Pace looks pretty good so
far, as a disclaimer.” Who are these people? Turns out it was a good thing
he had the disclaimer.
- “And for the Hokies they say revenge is a dish best
served cold and you know what? They’ve been cooking with ice all week.”
Really? They actually said this? You can’t make this stuff up. With ice?
- “This is the type of game that will make a coach's
cholesterol shoot up. They are going to need a little Cholestor.” I can’t
wait to hear the color commentary when Viagra sponsors the game.
- Are we really calling some guy “Pac-Man?” My
personal favorite was Galaga. You know they have arcade machines on which
both of those games can be played. Add Choplifter to that already sweet
set-up, and you’ve got heaven in a box.
- Now the rain is coming down hard, and the announcer
says he’d be disappointed if he saw anyone leave the stadium. Does he know
where he is? This isn’t Notre Dame during the Davie years, Bob. Nobody
leaves Lane. Nobody. Wild . . . wild horses . . . couldn’t drag us away.
We chuckle at hurricanes, so a little rain ain’t got no shot.
- Reece Davis is a great game break guy. He just “dropped
some knowledge” on us.
- So now the commentators new favorite saying is “nothing
doing.” I hate this. It used to be cool . . . you know, as the other side
of the pillow. But now it’s just overused.
- His real name is Bernard, they call him Pac Man and he
is listed as Adam. This is the kind of information I look for from a
sideline reporter. Thhhank you. I buy all my hair products from PetCo. I buy
all . . .
- Alright so this has nothing to do with the commentating
but next time you guys watch the House Protection commercials brought to you
by our friends from Under Armor, close your eyes and listen. Tell me Ralph
Friedgen doesn’t sound like Ray Romano. Will you protect this house? I
will, I will.
- Did ESPN really give Bob Davie a commentating job? Just
listen to the guy.
- Not for nothing, but I have never heard a commentator sound
so flavor-less yet drop lines with such flava.
- “They’re betting some serious G’s. Some Jack”
This was the exchange between Bob and Mark when talking about the bet
between Michael Vick and Quincy Morgan (both of the Atlanta Falcons) dealing
with the outcome of the game. Simply stunning.
- “Pac-Man Jones, geeked up about something.” Another
example of quick wit commentating. I love this one. “Geeked up” is just
a great phrase. I will try to use it at least once a day from now on.
- “West Virginia’s defense right now is very much
like that old John Denver song. Country Roads take me home.” What does
this mean? I feel like I am listening to Bruce Dickenson up there in the
broadcast booth. I can’t get enough of this stuff. “I put my pants on
the same way you do. Except once my pants are on I make gold records.”
Long live Gene Frankel and his cowbell.
Which brings us to that time once again – an old
“He went like this. We went like that. I said to
(name), where’d he go? (Name) said, where’d who go?”
As always questions, comments, insults, and now accepting
compliments, are encouraged . . . [email protected].