Wide Right: Commentators and Couch-Burners
by Jeff Cockey, 10/8/04

I wasn’t sure what type of column to write this week. I was overly excited and ready to write a biting, validation article countering the relentless shellacking I received on the message boards last week. And it was coming up roses for me too. It really was, until . . . and I’m going to have to take my foot out of my mouth to explain this . . . until Pace hooked a field goal. As if that weren’t enough to crush my “kiss my butt” column, Randall decided to throw a horrible pass. Let me repeat that. A HORRIBLE pass, across his body, falling down, to a wide-open West Virginia back-up linebacker resulting in a touchdown the other way. Thus my hard hitting “I was right” column flew right out the window, landed in the street, was run over by a Peterbuilt, trampled by a marching band, and pooped on by a herd of elephants. OK, so I may have been a wee bit overzealous last week, but simply just trying to point out some positives in an otherwise ugly game. I still have my boy Imoh, though. He’s running better than he ever has, even after the first hit.

Portions of this column were written as the WVU game was being played and I left them in as I had written them. So, if I tend to jump from past tense to present tense, it is intentional and not just because I am a poor writer. By the way, as I write this sentence I’m in a very good mood that is progressively worsening. It’s the fourth quarter and, while I thought this game was in the bag, I am watching the Eers pull a QB draw for 6 out of their collective couch burning butt. Now it’s 19-13 and I’m hitting the bottle. Third and nine for the Eers and they’ve yet to convert on a third down today and, oh my god, Lee Suggs with a huge defensive stop. I know it’s James Griffin but I like living in the past.

Sorry for the play by play folks but the game is getting to good for my liking. Let’s get back to the story. I had this volatile, sarcastic, belittling column ready and then at 16-0 my boys decided to let me down and prove everything I said about them last week somewhat incorrect. So let me pull my foot out of my mouth and put pen to paper with this column that has nothing to do with game analysis (as if any of mine ever do) and everything to do with the spectacular commentating that we’ve got going on here.

Oh crap! With six minutes left in the game Randall gets sacked twice and WVU is about to get the ball back. Let me just say that if we lose this game I will not watch another Tech game for as long as I . . . well at least a week . . . but you get the point.

Freakin’ wonderful! Forty-one seconds left in the game and WVU has the ball. It is up to our defense now and Suggs (Griffin) just dropped an easy interception. A sure pick to seal the W for us. Throw in some trickery and WVU goes deep for a great catch. I am literally holding my breath. And to top it off, we get a roughing the passer penalty costing us an additional fifteen yards. I can’t take this. It’s like watching your buddy try to get a number from the way-out-of-his-league hottie at the bar. At first it’s comical but inevitably it hits that too-painful-to-watch point. That’s where I am with this game. I can’t take this anymore. Another beer please.

Dear lord, I know I tend to only speak to you when I need a Hokie, Redskin, or Red Sox victory, but let’s face it, you haven’t really come through for me in the past few years. Oh, and about that Grady Little / Pedro Martinez tease, that was just mean. I think you owe me one. So it seems only fair that you damn to hell this Mountaineer drive. God, let us win this game. And as if on cue, the Almighty graces Lane with his (or her – ah, who really knows) presence in the form of a Hokie DB. Intercepted. Intercepted baby, by Vinnie Fuller. GAME FREAKIN’ OVER. Hokies upset the number 6, undefeated, couch burning, Mountaineers. Rank us baby. Rank the hell out of us.

As if the sweet smell of victory weren’t enough, Reece Davis topped it off with the quote of the week – “the couches are safe in West Virginia tonight.” But gone are their National Championship hopes. I couldn’t be happier. There exists no team that I detest more than WVU. So we beat the best team in the Big East. I’d like to say that means nothing to me and it normally wouldn’t except that I hate – wait maybe that’s too strong – I absolutely detest, with all of my being, West Virginia. You know if we could put together last week's fourth quarter with this week's first three quarters, then we might have a pretty good game one day. That being said, listen to what our comedic commentators pondered about throughout this heavenly football game. I love these guys:

  • The announcer just said Fuller and Williams got into each other’s “grill” on the sideline. Since when does Bob Davie say “grill?” This should no longer be allowed.

  • The commentator just said “Pace looks pretty good so far, as a disclaimer.” Who are these people? Turns out it was a good thing he had the disclaimer.

  • “And for the Hokies they say revenge is a dish best served cold and you know what? They’ve been cooking with ice all week.” Really? They actually said this? You can’t make this stuff up. With ice?

  • “This is the type of game that will make a coach's cholesterol shoot up. They are going to need a little Cholestor.” I can’t wait to hear the color commentary when Viagra sponsors the game.

  • Are we really calling some guy “Pac-Man?” My personal favorite was Galaga. You know they have arcade machines on which both of those games can be played. Add Choplifter to that already sweet set-up, and you’ve got heaven in a box.

  • Now the rain is coming down hard, and the announcer says he’d be disappointed if he saw anyone leave the stadium. Does he know where he is? This isn’t Notre Dame during the Davie years, Bob. Nobody leaves Lane. Nobody. Wild . . . wild horses . . . couldn’t drag us away. We chuckle at hurricanes, so a little rain ain’t got no shot.

  • Reece Davis is a great game break guy. He just “dropped some knowledge” on us.

  • So now the commentators new favorite saying is “nothing doing.” I hate this. It used to be cool . . . you know, as the other side of the pillow. But now it’s just overused.

  • His real name is Bernard, they call him Pac Man and he is listed as Adam. This is the kind of information I look for from a sideline reporter. Thhhank you. I buy all my hair products from PetCo. I buy all . . .

  • Alright so this has nothing to do with the commentating but next time you guys watch the House Protection commercials brought to you by our friends from Under Armor, close your eyes and listen. Tell me Ralph Friedgen doesn’t sound like Ray Romano. Will you protect this house? I will, I will.

  • Did ESPN really give Bob Davie a commentating job? Just listen to the guy.

  • Not for nothing, but I have never heard a commentator sound so flavor-less yet drop lines with such flava.

  • “They’re betting some serious G’s. Some Jack” This was the exchange between Bob and Mark when talking about the bet between Michael Vick and Quincy Morgan (both of the Atlanta Falcons) dealing with the outcome of the game. Simply stunning.

  • “Pac-Man Jones, geeked up about something.” Another example of quick wit commentating. I love this one. “Geeked up” is just a great phrase. I will try to use it at least once a day from now on.

  • “West Virginia’s defense right now is very much like that old John Denver song. Country Roads take me home.” What does this mean? I feel like I am listening to Bruce Dickenson up there in the broadcast booth. I can’t get enough of this stuff. “I put my pants on the same way you do. Except once my pants are on I make gold records.” Long live Gene Frankel and his cowbell.

Which brings us to that time once again – an old favorite:

“He went like this. We went like that. I said to (name), where’d he go? (Name) said, where’d who go?”

As always questions, comments, insults, and now accepting compliments, are encouraged . . . [email protected].

TSL Pass Home

TSL Home