Wide Right: Randoms
by Jeff Cockey, 10/15/04

Randoms is a Wide Right column housing the whimsical tidbits that consume my day. Most are football related but as with all my columns, a small dose of the arbitrary is thrown in.

  • Anyone else freaked out by that Burger King commercial where the dude wakes up in the morning to find that giant, plastic-headed King guy with the permanent psychotic smile, in bed with him. FREAKS me out! Like that clown in Poltergeist. I know I am not alone here. Sleeping with the lights on tonight for sure.
  • Lee Corso picked Wake Forest. Kirk Herbstreit picked intelligently. And thatís why we like you Kirk.
  • If you could chose anyone to work with everyday why wouldnít you choose Terry Bradshaw? The guy is a freakiní hoot. Did you see him on The Best Damn Sports Show Period when they did a This is Your Life type thing for him? Plus his daughters . . . pretty hot.
  • During the Wake / VT game, after we scored our first touchdown ESPN took a game break. Reece Davis then began to sing "Hokie Hokie Hokie high. Tech Tech VPI. He might possibly know more words to our song than most of us.
  • Chijioke Onyenegecha. He plays d-back for the Oklahoma Sooners. I have never heard SportsCenter guys have more fun with someoneís name. "Sounds like Iím-a-gonna-get-cha. And thatís exactly how he plays." I thought Tshimanga Biakabutuka had a great name, but this guy rocks.
  • Alright I know youíve all seen it. The Michael Vick Experience amusement park ride commercial? Are you kidding me? With the kid . . . screaming like a girl, and running when his feet arenít even touching the ground. Priceless.

  • And we thought our commentators were bad. Game three between the Dodgers and Cards in LA and the cameraman pans the crowd stopping on The Governator and his family. Inspiring the announcers to give us this beauty . . . "Heís trying to prevent an Hasta la vista baby." "HaHaHa. Boy you are on it Timmy. You are really on it."
  • Are there any better writers in Hollywood than those writing for The Simpsons? Homer and the fam hit the ballpark to take in Americaís past time. "Take me out to the ballgame. Take me out to the crowd. Buy me some beer and beer and beer." "HOMER!" "And some nachos?" Almost as good as the Homer Simpson MasterCard commercial. Gotta love Ďem.
  • My new favorite ESPNism is said during a homerun highlight. "Bartender . . . Jack!" "Yahtzee!!" has officially dropped a spot.
  • Does there exist a more idiotic moron than Ricky Williams? I thought Randy Moss was a jackass to state that if he doesnít want to go 100% than he wonít go 100%. But Ricky Ė Ricky you ice the cake, baby. Did you ever think, in your entire life, that you would ever hear of someone quitting professional football because they wanted to smoke some dope?
  • Dictionary entry: Moron. Definition: Ricky Williams. You had to know it was all down hill when he posed for a picture with Mike Ditka ("Da Bears." Anyone else miss Chris Farley?) in a wedding dress. Evidently he was smoking plenty of dope back then.
  • I canít get over how awesome Vinnie Burns and Eric Green are. That is an unstoppable duo. Like Sonny and Cher. Bo and Luke. Demi and Ashton. J. Lo and . . . well, fielderís choice.
  • Does anyone have a better life than Jeff Probst? I mean the guy gets to live in exotic locations doing basically nothing. He has fame, a small fortune and no worries. Where did this guy come from? OK so itís not like he was a midnight stock boy at a local grocery store turned Super Bowl MVP, turned second stringer, turned Eliís tutor, turned stock boy, but it is a good rags-to-riches story nonetheless.
  • Anyone watch the Surreal World? Flavor Flav and Jordan Knight should start a group together. I have got to get me one of those clocks.
  • How about our Hokie menís soccer team. Bendiní it like Beckham. Ahh, Keira Knightly. And I thought those Brits hit the nail on the head with Elizabeth Hurley. It is nice to beat the top ranked team. Finally.
  • Oh has anyone ever fallen as quickly as those Maryland Twerps? Dropping faster than a Kobe court case.
  • I canít get that Six Flags commercial song out of my head. You know the one with the weird looking old guy dancing around like Hammer. Itís in my dreams. Dun dun dun dun dun dun da-dun.
  • Did anyone see Jose Lima of the LA Dodgers pitch his complete shut-out game against the Cardinals the other night? Did you see how pumped he was after each pitch he threw. Man that was exciting and the type of hype I want to see from our Tech players. Itís not flashy. Itís not "sharpie" showy. Heís just all geeked-up.
  • On the NFL post-game show with JB, Terry, Howie, and Jimmy, Helmut Head said the jury is still out on Michael Vick as to whether or not he is good this year. Are you serious? The Falcons entered that game 4-0. So he had a bad game against Houston. Itís a long season J.J. Thatís OK though because Howie shut the ex-Cowboy coach down by saying that Mike Vick will be just fine. Youíre darn right he will be, Howie.
  • Had anyone heard of the World Series of Poker before Chris Moneymaker won it last year? Where did this game come from and why do I love it so much? Seriously, you canít tear me away from watching a bunch of overweight old guys, wearing sunglasses indoors, fondling their chips. My favorite thing about it is the play-by-play and color guy that commentate the event. For Poker! Sometimes, when the action gets really intense, they start to whisper like it's golf. I love it.
  • Have you seen the Capital One Mascot of the Year commercial? The Hokie Bird gets some major face time. Iíve seen it four times already, today alone. Does he get residuals for that?
  • Is there anything more awkward than watching Stuart Scott interview John Madden? I just saw him questioning Madden about his opinions of the Music City v. Cheese Head Monday night match-up. It went something like this. "Yo Dog. What up? Is the field frozen, sautťed, or just plain thawed out?" to which Madden replied, "Well I donít know about dogs, but itís not too cold here. They do have pre-tailgate bratwurst, tailgate brats, and halftime brats that are smelling pretty good though." Typical Madden. Priceless.
  • OK I was wrapping up this column when I heard what might be the funniest thing ever, until the next funniest thing comes along. The ESPN cameras were panning the Lambo Field parking lot when a female cheese-head waved to the camera prompting my boy Stu to quip this: "Hey whatís up girl? What your name is?" And on a completely different note, whatís with Michael Irvinís suits?

I think this is as good a week as any to take a shot at a prediction. I am going to go with the Hokies this Saturday to beat the mighty Florida A&M, uh, whatever their mascot is. I know, call me crazy but Iím feeliní it dog.

How about this one . . .

"You're legally allowed to drink now so we figured the best thing for you was a car."

Without fail, questions, comments, insults and compliments will always be accepted. [email protected]

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