Wide Right: Randoms
by Jeff Cockey, 2/27/04

Over the past few weeks, temperatures ranged from 0 to 40 degrees. Snow has fallen at least twice, and ice and freezing rain have wreaked havoc on the greater Boston area. But I wouldn�t know about any of that mess because I recently packed my bags and set my sights on warmer climates. I am beginning a journey that will take me all across our great nation, finally depositing me in the land of, as Kid Rock would say, "scripts and silicone."

I have decided to begin this journey, however, with a semi-long layover in a place where freezing rain and snow are the farthest things from the minds of the eighty-year-olds that stop at green lights and make left-hand turns from right-hand lanes. That�s right, I wanted to be a part of the �hanging chad� clan and thus, I am soaking it up in the Sunshine State. South Beach here I come � of course, after I hit the gym for a few months.

All of this to say that I am now getting quite a different perspective on college athletics than the one I got living in the backyard of Boston College. College sports are everything in Florida. Well there�s also NASCAR, but talking about NASCAR in Boston was like speaking a foreign language. I am living in the cesspool that my father so affectionately calls the Florida conference: FSU, Florida, and Miami. I am not sure how long I will be able to take it.

Again, I am rambling on about, well nothing really, but I do have a point. In packing my bags I came across a bunch of old Randoms that I had written down for future columns, but evidently never used. Randoms is a Wide Right column housing the whimsical tidbits that consume my day. Most are sports-related, but as with all my columns, a small dose of the arbitrary is thrown in. I am not sure how old these Randoms, are but I thought they were pretty good, so I interlaced them with some new thoughts for you to read. I hope you enjoy them.

  • Chris Fowler of ESPN fame was describing the best plays of the 2003 college football season and he started the segment with � "The beautiful and the butt-ugly." This is why I love ESPN. You aren�t going to hear the term butt-ugly on ABC sports. But some of those plays were truly, butt-ugly. Maybe even butt-fugly. Either way, Tech had several mentions in the good-play segment. E. Green and KJ, for interceptions and runs against Miami. And Wilford for the now infamous head slap, which I view as a good play. I like seeing more emotion from Beamer. I think that VT is getting more respect, since our team is now losing like winning went out for milk and never came back.
  • Hear me out on this one . . . "The QB settles under center." That alone is weird when you think about it. A little guy squatting behind a big guy, placing his hands underneath the big guy�s backside in order to grab hold of a ball. As if that�s not enough, think about when the center drapes a towel over his butt so that the QB can wipe his sweaty palms. All around, just an odd picture. Who were the guys that sat around and thought up this game? I do believe that there was a Super Bowl commercial commenting on this very thing. Although I was not thinking clearly that night, so I very well might be wrong.
  • Now this is one that is a bit old, but still brings a smile to my face. Did anyone see the interview by Dan Patrick with Roger Clemens on ESPN�s SportsCenter? Now, since I like the Red Sox, there might be some bias here. But I think Clemens is madly in love with Andy Pettitte. He brought up Pettitte�s name like five times in a five-minute interview that was supposed to be about Clemens. Dan would ask Roger how he liked being back in Texas and Clemens would say that Texas is much better now that Andy�s beautiful smile and voluptuous figure were gracing the lone star state.
  • OK Hokies. The men�s team is, well, they�re not in last place. Wins over Providence, Georgetown, and St. John's helped a great deal. All I ask is that we make it to The Garden. If you want to win some games while you�re there that would be cool with me, but frankly it�s an honor just to be nominated. Baby steps Bob. Baby steps. As I�m sure you guys are, I�m very happy with our progress. Nice work, Hokies.
  • Have you seen the Guinness draught St. Patrick�s Day commercial? "Treat St. Patty�s Day like a real holiday." Oh my god, I am definitely going to do that from now on. Hey, where is my �04 resolutions list? Yeah, let�s add that one. Is it not your favorite commercial ever? Second only to the Labatt Blue commercial with the giant hockey helmet pez dispenser. I will own one of those before I die � book it.
  • OK, just to give you an idea of how crazy New Englanders are, the night that the Pats were playing the Titans, it was negative twelve degrees outside and I was watching the game in my living room, wearing a sweatshirt and my OCC knit cap (a shameless plug for my boys on American Choppers). Out of nowhere, my father-in-law announces that they are going out for ice cream at halftime. What? Ice cream? Are you people sick in the head? Parts of the Boston Harbor are frozen right now and you people want ice cream? Yeah . . . I�ll take a mint chocolate chip. Thanks.
  • I don�t know about the rest of you but ACC fever is starting to set in. To think that pretty soon we will be gracing the Atlantic Coast Conference with our presence is quite something. Do you think they�ll send us a thank you note?
  • Good Lord. Every other commercial on television is for Viagra. And now Levitra is squeezing its way onto the tube. And Cialis. Can no one get the soldier to salute anymore? What in the world did everyone do ten years ago when we were on our own? Is this what I have to look forward to? Should I stock up now?
  • The New York Times, Sunday January 11th, had an article on writer�s block. Anyone else find that amusing?
  • By the way, Phil Simms could be one of the top three worst commentators ever. No examples needed. Just listen to the guy next game. Like nails down a chalkboard.
  • Now what�s the deal with Maurice Clarett? Are we really going to reward this dude with a multi-million dollar contract? I have never seen anyone act like a bigger, whining baby. He has skills that all of us would die for and the opportunity to play for a national championship caliber team, eventually turn pro and make a ton of money. But instead, the world obviously owes him something. I guess it would make sense that the same court system that let him off with a wrist slap for insurance fraud would grant him the opportunity of a lifetime. There�s a lesson to be learned here folks, I just can�t figure out what in the hell it is. What a role model this guy is going to make. And what will this mean for the draft status of our beloved Kevin Jones?
  • Speaking of role models . . . nice work Marcus. We�re all very proud. Is it so difficult to use your head? Forget football and the Hokies and your brother and his money and think about the rest of your life. By no means am I presuming guilt in the matter, but you have to learn to just stay away from questionable situations.
  • For the Pete Rose in all of us, call me before your next trip to Vegas. I will ask my father-in-law what teams you should bet on. Then place a large bet, he�ll let it ride (on the other team), and we�ll split the winnings. It�s not his fault really. Growing up in New York and being a life-long Giants fan (I can almost feel your pity as you read this), he is now blinded by everything "Tuna." So in any given situation he will take the Cowboys to cover the spread. We all know that poor Parcells won�t even make another appearance in the playoffs now that Joe Joe is back in Washington and Starkist is on the menu.
  • Just saw the movie Daredevil on HBO and darned if I don�t have to get my list of five re-laminated. As quickly as Jessica Alba jumped on, she got bumped off by the unbelievable Elektra. Has Jennifer Garner not leapt to the top of everybody�s list? You know, the list that Ross on Friends felt the need to laminate. The one with five famous people . . . still nothing? Ask someone.
  • This Random is quite old, but I love what it says. Joe Theisman, when commenting on Vick�s return this season against, mind you, the almost Super Bowl champion Panthers, had this to say: "I�m so excited watching a 2-10 football team. And I�m a Redskin fan to boot." This is just a taste of the impact that that man makes. Vicktacular.
  • I know you�ve seen these new Microsoft Office commercials. Tell me you don�t want to act like that in your office, just once.
  • Is anyone else excited for ACC basketball? It�s always on TV. You know what that means? We now have something to watch after football. We need to fill Cassell now that people will be watching. The Cameron crazies are going to have some competition, too bad their team won�t . . . yet! Oh, whatever . . . yeah I said that. Remember, baby steps.
  • Did you happen to see those NHL commercials on ESPN with Stan the guy that makes hockey "right here in America?" Where do they come up with these ideas? "If you want to see more punches in hockey give me your address, I�ll come to your house." Priceless!
  • Karen Sisco is returning to TV in March. I�d like to ask all of you to tune in. Without her all we�ve got is Emily Proctor from CSI Miami. Well, and of course Jennifer Garner.
  • By the way, it is just fantastic to open the paper every morning and see the Hokie women in the Top 25, week after week. There�s still room on the bandwagon, but buckle up �cause now I�m driving.
  • Is there a cooler movie scene then when Keifer Sutherland (let me finish) is standing in the attic of Alex-the-lawyer�s house, loading his shotgun for the final battle in Young Guns? The entire screen is pitch black except for Josiah "Doc" Scurlock, with a cut on his cheek. Pretty powerful stuff, I think.
  • During the playoffs but prior to the Cats making the Superbowl I heard a commentator exclaim that Jake Delhomme is a real life Bobby Boucher � Adam Sandler�s character in the movie The Waterboy. How freakin� funny is that?
  • I have been searching for a way to describe how I feel when it comes to VT football and I think that I have found it in a movie scene (big surprise there I�m sure). In the movie Casino, Deniro walked out the door and said, "When you love someone you have to give them the key to everything. Otherwise, what�s the point? For a while that�s the love I thought I had." Then he got in his car, turned the key and it blew up. Enough said.
  • Movie Quote time. Try this one on for size:

"This town needs an enema!"

Comments, questions, insults . . . let �em rip. [email protected]

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