Ladies and Gentlemen, it is Smallville night and I am taking time away from Kristin Kreuk to provide a little entertainment to an understandably sullen Hokie Nation. Yeah, I know, I have real problems. I have discovered over the years that there are many things that occur in sports and in life that make you go hmmm. "Things that make you go Hmmm." (I don�t know who sang that song and frankly I am embarrassed that I even know it, but damned if I can�t get it out of my head now. Crap.) (Editor's Note: C&C Music Factory, without even looking it up. Featuring a rap by Freedom Williams. Get with the program, Jeff.) Anyway, as these things come to me, I write them down and I�ve compiled some of them into this column titled Wide Right: Topics. Topics is devoted to the puzzling, quizzical ponderings that tend to baffle and amaze me. Hopefully they will amaze you, as well.

Let�s get to the first topic: Miami. I was going to say . . . [that I hate to see a good team and a coach whine like little girls after they are absolutely dominated on the field. It is one thing to complain about a play that you think might be dirty but to, at the same time, not acknowledge the fact that your model players (heavy, heavy sarcasm here) lost all composure and took several cheap shots of their own, is just childish. Are they claiming to be the Andy Dufresne of NCAA probationary teams? I will be the first to say that our team is not a bunch of angels but come on, Miami is known for dirty play. Correct me if I�m wrong, but didn�t they serve several years of probation for being cheaters? It is practically second nature to them. Come on Coker, take the loss like a man.] . . . but I won�t say all that because evidently Coker apologized to Beamer for his comments.

Topic Two is something that has amazed me for some time: the outburst of tattoos in college football. Yes, I know they�re not just in football but that�s a good place to begin. I can understand the fascination with tattoos. I don�t mind them myself, but this is something that is permanent, folks. You know, like the label every kid gets within the first week of his or her freshman year of high school. It sticks with you for the full four years (or five). I want to keep it short and sweet so I will start with our own Carter Warley. Don�t get me wrong Carter, I love seeing your tattoo on television � it means we are kicking a field goal or an extra point, all of which are good things. I hope we see a lot more of it. But what in the world is it? I can�t fault Carter too much, take a look at that Heisman front-runner running back from Syracuse. I believe his name is Reyes � but in case I ever forget, I can read his right arm since he felt the need to tattoo it there. Really? Who does this? How often do you forget your own name or for that matter, lose an arm? "Hey guys, have you seen my arm? I�m looking for my arm. Yeah you�ll know it when you see it, it�s got my name on it." Unbelievable. As an aside, Eric Green is my boy so we�ll assume that the "EG" tattooed on him arm stands for something else.

All right, the next topic deals with what I feel is a scheduling dilemma. On the one hand, it would be good to schedule all of our most difficult games at the beginning of the year since if we were to lose one, it won�t hurt us much in the polls. On the other hand, I think it makes a lot of sense to schedule "warmup" games. This way we can make sure that we�re properly prepared for the difficult part of our schedule (we�ve been having a little trouble with this philosophy over the past few years but it does makes sense). Obviously what got me thinking about this were the polls last week. FSU ahead of Miami, Miami ahead of VT etc . . . this is certainly a problem and frankly I don�t know what to do about it � but I�m pretty sure the solution has something to do with Will getting his press credentials. It only makes sense.

That�s a great segue to my next topic. Press credentials and our goofy athletic director and his goofy rules about real names and cities. Really, what difference do real names and cities make? You be the judge: "Hi my name is Jeff Cockey and I live in Boston. Now I would like to post that I think we played one heck of a game against Miami." Or: "Hi my name is Seymour Butz and you have absolutely no idea where I live and I think we played one heck of a game against Miami." Wait just a minute . . . okay Weaver, now I see the difference. You are totally right. "I�m stupid. You�re smart. I was wrong. You were right. You�re the best. I�m the worst. You�re very good looking. I�m not very attractive." Whatever!

Speaking of bad decisions, this next topic puts forth the question, does anyone else have a problem with Boston College being invited to join the ACC, or is it just me? Actually though, the more I think about it, maybe it�s not so bad. It is an extra W for us every year, maybe even in basketball. Am I getting ahead of myself here? The only wish I have is that they get rid of the astro-turf. What�s the point? Is the field enclosed? Does BC not have enough money to pay for the care of a grass field? Believe me they have more money than if Bill Gates were to marry Donald Trump (hey, it�s the 21^st century), adopt a son named Michael Dell and then pass away leaving everything to Michael who then married Paris Hilton (mmm, give me a moment) . . . okay where was I? Oh yes, Paris Hilton (mmm, another moment please). How rich would that family be? About half as rich as Boston College. So I�m chalking this up to laziness. Hell, I�ll mow the field every week if it means keeping our boys� ACLs intact.

Kind of off the football topic for a moment here, but I have found the ultimate �food coma� meal. You see there is this fantastic Irish Pub a few blocks from my office in the financial district. I say fantastic because while it is a popular spot for tourists to grab a Guinness and listen to "outlawed tunes on outlawed pipes," (Wait, that was Scotland. Actually, while the movie took place in Scotland and the pipes in that scene were Scottish, the actual score that you hear is from Irish Uilleann bag pipes � they are more melodic than their larger Scottish counter parts. You see, these are the little nooks and crannies you get from Wide Right. It�s the English muffin of columns. And, by the way, that is simply the best movie ever.) . . . it is also the one place in Boston where you can find the Donegal Delight, only the best chicken sandwich ever. But as with all delicious temptresses, she leaves you with a wicked memory of her golden skin and her sweet honey (mustard) aroma. For she delivers the ultimate �food coma.� Back at my office, I can�t even read ESPN. I need to loosen my belt a notch � is this against the dress code? At least once a month a group of five of us enjoy her seductive company knowing the heartache that awaits. Everyone should have a Donegal Delight of their own. It�s perfect for that Friday lunch when you just want to get to Saturday�s game without thinking too much that afternoon.

So while we�re talking about not thinking too much, I would like to share this next topic dealing with college football analysts. I have been watching them for years, hanging on their every word about upcoming games or why this team will beat that one . . .but the bottom line is that they are no more right about picking winners than you or I � they�re like glorified weathermen. Let me see if I can get this straight . . . I am just as correct as they are when it comes to picking winners and losers (at least over a season),but I don�t have the wonderful salary, the great job, or the opportunity to wear just the top half of a suit while sitting behind my Game Day desk in shorts and flip flops, wishing Corso would just wear some damn pants. Could my blatant jealously be more, well, blatant?

Have any of you guys watched ESPN�s Playmakers? This topic deals with that gripping look behind the scenes of NFL football. They have crammed so many story lines into one season � from drugs to spousal abuse to homosexuality to pregnancy and murder. It�s like the writers are on speed. I love it, can�t get enough of it. This show is fantastic, if only for the fact that they are trying to pass it off as pseudo-reality when the truth is probably that half of the players just go home to bed every night. I can�t wait to see what they come up with next season.

This last topic deals with a little-known Virginia Tech sport (at least little-known when I attended): Virginia Tech Club Ice Hockey. We had three teams when I was in school. One was a traveling team, where the players were a little better and traveled to pretty much all of the ACC schools to play their club teams. The other two teams that didn�t travel played a lot of men�s league teams in the area (no checking allowed) and Radford (not allowed to play unless you checked). I remember many a Radford game during which the gloves would drop before the puck � great fun. Anyway, all of this to say that since we are now in the ACC, and I know most of the other ACC schools have ice hockey club teams, why can�t we make a push to go NCAA? I know we won�t compete at the same level as BC, BU, Michigan, etc . . . but so what? Oh wait, would we have to give up the beer in the water bottles thing? It seemed to add another dimension to the game. Sweet memories . . .

TechSideline Pass Home