It is well known, at least to me, that most commentators are essentially worthless when it comes to actual football commentary, but if we�re talking about what Bill Simmons likes to call "unintentional comedy," then they�re the cock-of-the-walk, baby.

To set the stage, I�d like to recap the fiasco that was Monday Night Football commentating. Someone at ABC, who should now be out of do-overs, thought it would be a great idea to hire Dennis Miller as a color guy with Al Michaels. ABC needed a website designed specifically to explain Miller�s game time musings. Bit of advice: when you need to explain jokes, they�re probably not that funny.

So that brings us to the newest MNF team. I am not a big Madden fan when it comes to his football commentating, but I have received my absolute best BBQing tips from the guy. He cares more about the tailgating food than the game, but he works well because he is unintentionally funny. He is King of stating the obvious and comes up with things that needn�t be explained on the internet. He and Al work well together.

Now . . . Let�s see how the networks did with the VT/Rutgers duo. I didn�t catch their names but really that�s not nearly as important as the cognitive ponderings they shared with us all. I�d like to go over a few of them with you now.

• Ah, the Napa keys to the game - these are always informative. Evidently, in order for VT to win this game, we have to "take notice." What in the hell?

• I�m not sure who they were talking about but they said something about three or four guys "who can tote the mail." Are they using this game as a SportsCenter audition?

• The lunch pail guy for VT is Easlick. I really like that call by the commentators. "He just does his job."

• "Jonesy!" They just called KJ "Jonesy." Really? Are they best friends?

• Folks, Tech is the least penalized team in the Big East. That is the kind of stat that I find interesting.

• Now we learn that Rutgers leads the Big East in sacks. Well that tells us a lot. Buffalo, Army, and Navy � hmmm, wealth of information in that one.

• Not to get away from the commentator subject but, wow, Chris Shreve! WOW.

• "Richard Johnson might get Wally Pipped" by Chris Shreve. I have a problem with this quote on so many levels. Let�s not mix our sports references huh! Is "Pipped" even a verb?

• They just informed us that the Rutgers players� "confidence level was starting to get lower and lower." Is that possible? They do know they play for Rutgers, right?

• Flagrant display of complete stupidity: they called our helmets "purple."

• "Rutgers is going with a field of dreams philosophy." Then something about a commentator and his "union card." I�d rather have pancakes and raw meat on the field, folks.

• One of my favorites � "Rutgers needs to get to what they do in order to get in this game." What exactly do they do?

• Then they follow it up with this beauty: "Virginia Tech really hasn�t put it together in all three phases yet this year." I must have misheard that.

• "Rutgers is back to a manageable 2^nd and 11." What exactly is a "manageable 2^nd and 11?"

• And now it�s 3^rd and 13. Excellent management guys.

• So they are telling each other a story about the good �ol days when they played football. The crux of the tale was the coach telling him not to blow on his hands if they were cold because that would signal to others on the field that, hey, it�s cold. Ooh, tell it again, please.

Oh my god, I can�t write fast enough to keep up with these guys.

• "Now Rutgers has established some rhythm." Apparently two 1^st downs = rhythm.

• Interesting that the "rhythm" was immediately followed by a VT interception. Well placed comment, guys, well placed.

• "With a name like Mazetta, where else would he be from (New Jersey)?" Is this some sort of slur? Is Rush Limbaugh in the booth today? I�ll expect this commentator�s resignation after the game.

• By the way, saying "a buck" for every time you mean "one hundred" doesn�t make you hip.

• "If you�re Rutgers, you�d love to march down the football field and get yourself a score - not a field goal, but a touchdown." Thanks for that in-depth annotation.

• Now they say "a quarter and change." Oh ok, now that will make you hip. Did these guys just watch TRL or something?

• First of all, I really don�t care about past Heisman winners who were from New Jersey, but relating them to their Turnpike exit numbers really makes me want to learn more. Hilarious.

• "Shreve�s puttin� on a clinic today." Now that is a great comment. What exit do I take to get to that clinic?

• "There�s a lot of laundry out there inside the 30yd. line." Laundry? Really? Come on.

• Hey, they�re interviewing Ben Franklin (by his cannon).

• "They�re ready to fire at anything, a completion or something." Talking about the cannon guys. Good stuff.

• "Still a ways to go here for Rutgers." Yeah, as if. It�s 28-7, let�s be honest here.

• "The O-line is whoopin� the D-Line. Playin� it simple." Is Stuart Scott in the booth? Can I get a �Boo-Ya!�

• Now they are remarking about Green�s dreads. Already been done, my friend.

• Finally great stuff about Beamer picking off a pass in his day and returning it for a TD, only to throw the ball into the crowd. Evidently, Beamer told E.Green, after Green threw the ball into the end zone following his interception return against UConn, to act like he has been there before. Green said, but coach I haven�t. Now that�s good commentating.

• Here was an insightful 2^nd half exchange: "What�s Rutgers have to do to get back in this game?" "Well Rutgers definitely has an uphill battle." Thanks, I feel I�m a more informed viewer for that.

• And the second half begins by calling Cedric Humes, "Cedric Holmes." Good way to kick things off, guys.

• We actually had a good five to seven minute stretch there when they were actually commentating.

• Then we get this beauty: "The horns are coming through the helmet" (describing how Easlick will destroy his next blocking assignment on a pitch-out to KJ). I actually liked this comment. Pretty original.

• For anyone with anger issues, here�s some good news: "Bud Foster will prepare you to legally smack people upside the head for 60 minutes." How about the Chiclets? Can we smack them upside the Chiclets?

• "Hokies are number four in the nation, proving it and then some today." Really? It�s Rutgers.

• Now Humes is known as "Cedric Jones."

• Hey, the cannon guys again! They love those cannon guys, though they do appear a little bored.

• Vick threw an interception and the commentators exclaimed how Rutgers "needed that play." Yeah? For what?

• Blacksburg is "football crazy down there. That�s a great place to watch a football game." I�ll throw them a bone. That�s a good quote.

• Back to the cannon guys. I think they�re asleep. Officially starting a "cannon guy" count now. I think we are up to 155 times.

• Just flashed the Rutgers cheerleaders on the screen and my father-in-law commented that "they look well fed." Suit �em up, the boys need some help.

• Touchdown Rutgers. Someone wake the cannon guys.

• "And the cannon guys get to do some work." These cannon guys are great. We should have cannon guy updates every game break, no matter our opponent. Can we do this? Just flash to the cannon guys periodically? Can I say �cannon guys� more often?

• Mike Imoh: "Boy he is a nifty little guy." What is he 5 yrs. old? "A nifty little guy?" I liked it better when this guy thought he was Stuart Scott.

• "Boy, the tight end put a facial on that DB." What in the hell are you talking about? I�m not even sure I can write this.

• Leonard gets a two point conversion for Rutgers, but apparently he didn�t just get the two point conversion, "he so gets it, it�s unbelievable." Like really? Oh m�god, he so totally gets it. These guys are great.

• "Frank Beamer would like to blow that clock up right now." Ugh. Can Will please commentate from now on? Someone, anyone? I�ll take Dennis Miller at this point.

• KJ took an inside handoff for 16 yds and he broke numerous tackles along the way. This prompted the commentators to exclaim (keep in mind that we are up by a gazillion points) that VT needs plays like this to "ice" the game. Are we mobsters now? Is that another Jersey reference?

• The game is pretty much over, but you would never know it by the comments from the booth boys.
• "Turn out the light and put the car in the way."
• "Hello busey. Tell the bus driver to drive."
• "Queue the song about the lights."
  
  
• Stop calling him "Jonesy." No matter how many times you say it, you will not be cool.

• "VT plays Cuse next week at the Dome." Really? Glad we found out now or we would all be in Blacksburg wondering what in the hell was going on.

• "Cedric Humes puts a period at the end of this game." Personally I would argue that the period was there for quite awhile. "Warley puts an exclamation point with the extra kick." Oh god. Please, more with the punctuation lesson. At least they got Humes� name right this time.

• Oh hey, good thing the Knights went for two earlier. Otherwise they might have been out of it.

• OK I have to share the best interview I have seen in a long time. After the game, the interviewer said to Bryan Randall "Each week you get better and better. Would you agree with that?" Without hesitation, Randall comes back with "Yes, I�d agree with that." Bryan Randall, that was beautiful. Love it.

• And I will leave you with this closing remark � Virginia Tech, 48-22. "We�ll be back to put a ribbon on this one!" Is Bruce Dickinson in the booth? What does that mean?

Let me know your thoughts on commentators or any other whimsical tidbit that consumes your day: [email protected]. 

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