Wide Right: Randoms
by Jeff Cockey, 4/23/04

Has anyone stopped to think about what the Maurice Clarett ruling might mean to us Hokies? The higher courts have stopped his ability to enter this yearís draft (for now at least), which means USC gets their big bad wide receiver dude back for the game against us at Fed-Ex Field. Is there any way we can have this not happen please, and yet still keep the NFL from turning into a place where students who canít get into college hang out and make millions? Whoís working on this?

Why is imitation crabmeat so freakiní good?

Is anybody more excited than I for the movie Dodgeball to finally come out? If you havenít heard of this movie, think if the creator of Old School were to have a few too many one night and, after downing two purple hooters and a southern bondage shot, sauntered over to the hot little number in the corner of the bar who thought up the VH1 Behind the Music: Blue Oyster Cult skit from Saturday Night Live. One thing leads to another and nine months later, out pops a kid that looks like Chris Farley, has the personality of Richard Pryor, the wit of Robin Williams, and the sense of humor of Chris Rock mixed with Howie Mandel (truly a comic genius when doing stand-up). That "kid" represents how kick-ass this movie is going to be. I mean, I could be wrong but Iíve heard some things.

Saw the Maury Povich show today and there was a 6-foot, 10-inch 13-year old kid on. Now, I figure he has at least five more years of growth in him and he already wears shoes the size of Renee Zellweger as Bridget Jones. With this in mind, do you know what hard-hitting, intuitively journalistic question Povich lobs his way? "So, Mr. Really tall giant one, do you play any sports? You know like basketball?" Thanks for clearing that up Maury. For a second there he may have thought you were referring to Polo or horse jumping. Letís get olí Seabiscuit out of retirement, itís jockey time.

Not that itís my job to tell someone how to do his job, but shouldnít Seth Greenberg be on the phone with this Maury kidís parents and a scholarship, like right away?

I am not sure whatís worse: The Maury show or the fact that I didnít change the channel . . . not once, until it was over. Itís a disease.

Anyone else seen Bad Boys II like, five times? Bought it on DVD and, mind you, I have about 50 other DVDs sitting on my shelf, but whenever I go to grab a movie to watch, BBII jumps into my hand. I try to pick other ones but itís like turning off the Tuetelís when they are under a rushed deadline to finish the Statue of Liberty bike and Junior is nowhere to be found. Canít be done.

Why do people feel the need to start a conversation with you at the urinal but wonít say a word to you on an elevator? Rule of thumb: Pants down = silent, with a straight-ahead stare.

Let me tell you buddy, I would be first in line to draft Maurice Clarett when he gets his shot. I mean, the guy has obviously taken painstaking steps to show the world that he is a true team player and that it is not just all about him and how great he is and how much he loves himself and his mythical car stereos, and how much he doesnít stir the water with court cases and lawsuits and . . . Go to school, Idiot. Help your team win another National Championship, get an education, and then go to the NFL as a top five draft pick. Or you could drop out of school, commit insurance fraud, sue the very company that you hope to be working for, become grossly out of shape, and not carry the rock for two years. Yeah youíre right, that might be the better route to take after all.

If I hear one more thing about Oregon Stateís Stephen Jackson, I am going to . . . well Iím not quite sure but it will involve purple hooters and southern bondage shots and some poor unsuspecting bar patron gettiní an earful.

Go A-Rod. Way to juice up those Yankee bats. Batting .212 as a team and A-Rod is nowhere to be found. I freakiní love it. Eat that, Stein-moneybags-brenner. Sure glad we still have Nom(ah).

Speaking of the Red Sox, what in the hell is with Unfrozen Cave Man Outfielder Johnny Damon? Will someone please buy him a Bic?

Ever notice that when you go to a bar where the bartender knows you and hooks you up so you arenít charged for everything that you order, you always way over-tip as a thank you and end up spending more than if they had just charged you the right amount in the first place? Yet I still do this thinking that I am so cool to be getting such a sweet deal.

Hereís something funny. Just glanced over at my bookshelf while typing this and I have sitting there a GMAT book, an LSAT book, and an MCAT book (well actually no MCAT, but I needed another book to help drive this point home). Yet I have not taken any of these tests. Donít even think the GMAT book has been opened. Hmmm . . . money well spent.

Why is Christina Aguilera getting uglier and uglier? She had such potential.

We may have the best draft class ever from Virginia Tech this year. Well gosh darn it, that certainly explains why we did so unbelievably well on the field then doesnít it? Confusion is setting in.

If you havenít seen the "Blue Collar Comedy Tour," stop reading this right now and go buy it. Seriously. For two reasons. Number one Ė this column is not that funny no matter how much you drink, and number two Ė that is.

I have no problem dropping an inordinate amount of money for an all-you-can-eat surf and turf buffet (complete with post meal gastro-intestinal problems and heavy bloating), so the least they can do is have those great little mints that you have to spoon out of the dish. You know, the ones they put by the door on your way out. Is this too much to ask? Everyone used to have mints. Now suddenly thereís a mint shortage. Where did all the mints go, people?

Anyone else think that AJís principal is gonna get whacked? And the person pulling the trigger will be Carmela?

God I miss WWEís Tough Enough. Am I alone here?

Read a funny column the other day in some publication. It was comparing Kevin Jones to Stephen Jackson of Oregon State. It was trying to make the point that Jackson is a better choice because he is a hard hitter and really lowers his shoulders and drives through the line of scrimmage. Well they sold me when they said that Jackson should be the first running back to go in the draft and Jones the second, because Jackson runs like Mike Alstott, while Jones tends to be more like a Barry Sanders. Can I get a little C&C Music Factory please . . . "Things that make you go hmm."

I have two dates circled on my calendar: my birthday (so I know when to start asking for things), and July 1st (the day the ACC gets bumped up a notch).

I wonder what Maurice DeShazo is up to these days.

I canít wait until the ESPYs. They have to make up a new category just so Kellen Winslow Jr. wins one for his tantrum. Hah! That always makes me smile.

OK . . . one person . . . One person out of about 30 who emailed me got my imbedded movie quote from Platoon last column. So I will give you something a little more manageable this time. Have fun with it.

"I know, theyíre called doctors."

And as always questions, comments and insults are encouraged. [email protected].

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