Wide Right: Scribbles - It's B-Ball Season, Baby!
by Jeff Cockey, 12/1/03
Hey folks here we are, our bellies filled with turkey, and family members gathered around asking you why they have to
watch this silly basketball game on a Friday night. So in the holiday spirit, I decided to scribble some notes for VT's
first major basketball game of the season, their matchup with the Hoos.
I have absolutely no concept of game time on most of these scribbles but they are, for the most part, in
chronological order. OK folks itís the 2-0 Hokies v. the 1-0 Cavs at U-Hall in beautiful, historic Charlot . . . blah
blah blah . . . Letís get it on already.
- So the Lady Hokies embarrassed the #24 Lady Cavs earlier this month. Thatís a good start entering into our
- Check this out - they were talking about a UVA player and they had his name on the screen with "ACC"
underneath. Then they were talking about a Tech player and guess what? "ACC" was underneath his name too.
A little early, my friends.
- Sweet, I just saw a commercial for "Chasers" - take it while youíre getting drunk and you wonít have
a hangover the next morning. Where was this 10 years ago? I might have been able to at least attempt to cross
the drill field and suffer through an 8 AM McBride class. Get this, it works for up to 6 drinks - says so right on
the package. This stuff is a gift from heaven.
- And Gordon gets the first bucket of the game for Tech.
- Wow, this stuff is a wee bit faster than football.
- Oh yeah baby, already an offensive foul on UVA. Way to go McCandies.
- What a great name. Like the Golden Arches on Halloween, "McCandies." Am I reaching here?
- Is it me or is UVAís coach, Pete Gillen, a waxy lookiní guy? Like he belongs in one of those cheesy museums
that you find on the boardwalk in Ocean City.
- OK here are the Pizza Hut keys to the game . . . mmm pizza . . . yeah I missed the keys, I was thinking about the
- Gordon with a great steal. Have they even scored yet? Nope, 7-0 baby and UVA with three turnovers already. Whereís
Gameday? Are they here?
- For some reason I was just reminded of the time Carl, Zoller, Bog, a few others, and I were watching the NIT final
in Zollerís dorm room on the first floor of Lee Hall. When Smitty sank those last two free-throws to tie the game
and then win it by one, we went nuts. We jumped out of the roomís window - evidently the door would have taken too
long - sprinted to Cassell and proceeded to climb up the very first flying buttress that we came to. We made it,
literally 10 feet from where the concrete meets the top of the building when we realized, in our inebriated state,
how freakiní high up we were. We all dropped to our stomachs, hugged the concrete, and cried like small children.
Somewhere along the slow and painful crawl back down Carl heard police sirens and so we slid the final 15 feet to
the ground. All of us, that is, except Carl. He thought it would be quicker to jump and while technically correct,
his Tevas split apart upon impact and he hobbled back to Lee barefoot. One of my most memorable nights in college.
Sorry, that was quite a tangent.
- Well the gameís first three-pointer belongs to the short UVA guy - Billett. Is he balding? How old is that guy?
- Holy crap. Have you seen this Budweiser commercial with the three white guys dressed in baggy clothing, with
sideways hats, and sports jerseys? They are walking down the street, turn a corner and bump into three black guys
who are dressed as most anyone would for a night out. All six of them look at each other for a little while without
saying a word and then walk on. The three black guys stop, turn around and just crack up laughing at the white guys.
Then the tag line "Budweiser . . . True" appears. Classic! Ah, white folks . . . what a crazy bunch. Youíve
got to see it. I just canít do it justice here.
- OK so McCandies, known from this point forward as "The Candyman," is on freakiní fire.
- The announcers just said that Candyman gained 25 lbs. this past off-season in preparation for the year. Hey, me
- UVA is now three for three from beyond the arc. Take it to the hole you wussies.
- Crap. Bald Billett doesnít miss. The kid is three for three from downtown.
- Ha, the UVA fans have a sign that says Culture vs. Agriculture. Those clever Cavs. Actually, pretty funny.
- I love basketball. Hereís a drinking game for you: Take a swig every time someoneís sneaker squeaks on the
- What other sport allows the announcers to use the word "penetration" in every other sentence. I feel
like any moment now theyíll cut to Dirk Diggler for some courtside reporting.
- Just saw the Wachovia bank television remote commercial. Are these commercials really this funny or am I that
incoherent? Pass me a "Chasers."
- Tie game folks, 19-19. Where is Ace? Why is Custis not in this game?
- Well we just air-balled a three. Whereís our really short, three-point shooting, balding guy?
- The Dodge drive of the game is by a UVA player named Majestic Mapp. I donít know where to go from here. On the
one hand Iíve got a guy named Majestic Mapp and on the other the "drive of the game" was just chosen
only eight minutes into the first half. Too many options. I have to move on.
- Another three from UVA. Theyíre afraid to drive on us. We own you in the paint baby . . . we own you. I have no
idea what Iím saying.
- Time Out Tech and they are showing our team huddled around the bench. Question - where are those skinny brothers
that we used to have on our team. Does anyone else remember those guys? They may have been twins. I miss Ďem.
Remember how they would always just fall down? Theyíd get in the game, the ball would be inbounded and they would
both immediately drop to the floor. We actually had a running tally of how many times they fell in a season (I might
still have that somewhere). Loved those guys.
- Matthews drives . . . "And 1," with 5:08 left in the half. Is there any cooler saying in sports than
"And 1?" Seriously, basketball definitely has the coolest sayings in all of sports.
- Jamon Gordon with a three-pointer. Way to go JG. Tech on an 11-3 run.
- 4:08 left and is this our first free-throw? How free are they really? We just missed it.
- Just saw a computer company commercial that asked this guy what his most hated IT clichť was. He replied,
"value-added." Suddenly everything has value added. "Hey I just finished some value-added chili and Iím
going to enjoy it several more times throughout the day for no extra charge, so will those around me." I love
these commercials. Where do they come up with this stuff? Someone needs to make a rule: Comcast commercials should
be shown everywhere.
- Now a commercial for the VT/UVA football game. Thereís Kevin Jones against BC - whoops missed me, whoops missed
again, now Iím off to the house - good stuff.
- They keep saying Elton Brown (UVA) and I keep hearing Elton Brand (Duke) and I just get so confused. Grandma and I
had a few too many Tsing Taos with dinner tonight at Old Peking. Although she seems to be holding her liquor
remarkably better than I. Iím such a girl.
- Matthews with a huge stuff from behind on Elton Brown, as if to say "get that crap outta my kitchen."
Speaking of kitchens, remember when Cliff Clavin was on Jeopardy and he was winning by like $800,000? He bet it all
in Final Jeopardy with an answer of "who are three people who have never been in my kitchen?" Best Cheers
episode ever, hands down. Remember the categories? They were like "Beer," "Grown men that live with
their mothers," "Mail." God that episode deserves a column unto itself.
- Every time I see the replay of NC State winning it all and Jimmy V. running around the court, arms outstretched,
looking for someone, anyone to hug, I canít help but picture Dick Vitale and his bright bald head bounding toward
him like a Lassie come home movie. These are the things that occupy my mind. I have way too much time on my hands.
- OK, thereís no way the Hoos can keep hitting threes like this in the second half, is there? Eh, what do I know?
- Great start to the second half. UVA drives on us and dunks the ball like we were doing anything else in the world
but playing defense.
- I canít wait until next year when we join the ACC. Seeing Gary Williams drown in his own perspiration will be
great fun. After each game the poor guy looks like Louis Anderson at closing time of an all-you-can-eat buffet.
- Iím going to be the first to call it. Yes, I have the foresight to call it this early. We will not lose the Big
East this year in B-Ball. Oh yeah, thatís right, I said it.
- Big deal, so UVA has a Ralph Sampson jersey hanging from their rafters. Ralph Sampson - pfft - heís no Bimbo
Coles. He-he-he, Bimbo. I chuckle every time.
- What is wrong with us. Suddenly we are throwing up bricks. We couldnít make a sandwhich with two
slices of bread, assorted lunch meats, some mayo (or mustard whichever you prefer), a slice of tomato and a lettuce
leaf. What in the hell am I talking about?
- So itís 52-40 UVA. What happened? We were doing so well.
- Oh my goodness. Get this - with 12:19 left in the game little Hoo-boy-Billett took exception to a play, puffed out
his chest and actually "stepped" to our boys. The refs dropped a T on him. What was he thinking? Iíll
tell you. He was thinking "God I hope the refs break this up right away."
- Bad news folks. The Candyman has fallen asleep here. Take a Red Bull and rally baby.
- Look at us with these free-throws. Weíre like a team full of Shaqs.
- Mmm, my pumpkin pie and ice cream just arrived. Time to put down the pen for a while. Weíre not doing much
anymore Ďcept gettiní back-handed by Hooville.
- "Great ball handling on the penetration." Something about basketball brings out my inner child. Itís
the same part of my brain that will always love Beavis and Butthead. No matter how old I get, I canít shake it.
- Check out that Cavs mascot strutting around all daintily. They just panned the crowd and I swear to god, I have
never seen a bigger group of metrosexuals together in one place in my life.
- Uh-oh! The Candyman just fouled out. Weíre in some trouble now.
- OK 6:46 left to go:
- Calloway fouls out for us.
- This is turning into a Globetrotters game and we ainít the ones wearing the Red, White, and Blue.
- OK I just heard that Todd Billett of the UVA Cavaliers is a grad student. No wonder he is balding. Come March
Madness the guy is not only going to be the president but also a client. Heís like 35 for Godís sake. Is he
trying to break Chris Weinkeís record?
- We are not shooting the rock well at all. We could use a few trifectas. Please excuse me, I am warming up my
basketball speak for the remainder of the season.
- Folks, there is no way I could let Majestic Mapp off the hook that easily. Say it with me. Majestic Mapp! Imagine
that conversation. Hey honey what do you think of Robert or Michael? Well those are nice names dear but you know
whatís really growing on me? Majestic. You canít make this stuff up. Ya just plain canít.
- Big bad balding Billett just got his fourth foul. We best be careful or he might "step" to someone
again. This guy is like Sue from Swingers, stepping to House of Pain outside the Dresden.
- One minute left and UVA is up 80-65. Well, that was fun.
- I have to hand it to those Cav fans. While obviously not subscribing to the Weaver-fan-niceness-thing, they are
now chanting "Go home, Hokies. Drive your tractor." What clever little Hoos.
- At least the Lady Hokies are getting the job done. They deserve more attention from us fans.
Yes, that's me, I'm ... [email protected].
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