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Subject: Office memo in this morning's email...
Posted by: We're Going on Thu Oct 10 2002 7:07:06 AM
Message:

To: W. Going
From: Project Manager
RE: Cubicle Modification


We're,

It has come to my attention that you will be conducting an
unauthorized event in your cubicle Thursday, October 10, for which
you have not filed the proper paperwork, received the proper
approval, or have explained what you intend on doing as far as making
up the billable hours you will be spending conducting this event.

Furthermore, having reviewed an unauthorized intinerary and having
inspected your cubicle prior to the event, I should, as your
supervisor, remind you of the following company policies:

1) Federal law prohibits firearms within or within a certain number
of feet of federal office buildings. This includes fireworks
2) The low ceilings in our office coupled with the height of
the "Grill 2 Go" currently erected in your cubicle could cause smoke
and or heat to trigger the sprinkler system on our floor, ruining
about a billion dollars worth of equipment and work.
3) Several of your coworkers have complained about your repeated
insistence on playing marching band music on your computer without
the use of headphones. This is inconsiderate to your coworkers.
4) A coworker yesterday heard you yell out several times while
watching video clips on your computer....let me remind you that your
computer is for work purposes only. This morning our IT department
removed approximately 2.1 GB of football-related video and audio
files from your hard drive.
5) Consumption of alcoholic beverages while on the job is grounds for
immediate termination. Let me remind you of our conversation of
September 1999 where I ruled then against your contention that lite
beer is not an "alcoholic beverage"
6) A 71 year old female employee came to me yesterday with a bruise
on her head suffered, apparently when you were playing catch in the
office with a leather football. Horseplay in the office will not be
tolerated as it creates a safety issue for all.
7) I am hoping that I am mistaken as to why the floor of your cubicle
is covered with newspaper but if the rumor I hear is correct, PLEASE
reconsider bringing a live turkey into the office...
8) This may be pure coincidence, but the last time your school had a
night football game, I received several profane messages on my
voicemail where the speaker, barely intelligible, was dissertating on
how "[expletive deleted]ed up he was".....I couldn't help but notice
that it's ironic how someone was intoxicated on a weeknight AND knew
my phone number.
9) I received a call yesterday from a man named Brian Steinspring or
something like that who said he was reviewing your application. I
gave you a pretty good review but the questions soon turned to job
tasks that I have not had the opportunity to evaluate you on,
including "can he look off the primary receiver" and "do you employ
any shotgun or multiple spread formations." I told him we were a
government contractor, and he appeared confused. He was asking me
about your "40 speed"; I assumed this was an IT term referring to how
fast you can type and I said "he's got really good speed"....he said
they'd get back to you regarding a "tryout".....if you aren't
satisfied with your current position, I'd like to get your input on
what exactly is wrong.
10) This morning when I went to put my lunch in the office freezer, I
found it completely full of bratwurst, pork chops, and a strange box
in the refrigerator that said "do not open" but appeared to have Jack
Daniel's information spray painted over. The office refrigerator is
for the entire office to share, please do not monopolize it.

If you have any questions about the company policies on the above
situations, please do not hesistate to call me. Have a good day.

[Name removed]

Office Manager

Message Replies:

   Your second best post ever. Exxxxcellent. **  --  Technically   Thu Oct 10 2002 8:13:26 AM
   They didn't mind the leather football helmet ya put on the bust of the COB??? **  --  glad2baHokie   Thu Oct 10 2002 7:15:28 AM
   Mmmm.....bratwurst!! :-) **  --  Beach Hokie   Thu Oct 10 2002 7:09:23 AM


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