Weekend Rooting Guide
by Matthew McKinley, 11/20/01

Well, the time has come at last—Miami week. Our opponents have done what we expected, namely to run the table and come into this game ranked as the number one team in the country. Alas, the season hasn’t fared quite as well for the Hokies, but it’s gone well enough—or ticket sales have gone well enough—to earn a New Year’s Day Bowl against Florida State. But the Hokies have one more game left on the plate, and what a mouthful it is.

It’s actually pretty good that this game comes right after the carnage of last week. Not only will the results from last week give our team some motivation to go out and beat a seemingly unbeatable team, but it makes the Weekend Rooting Guide that much more fun, coming off a week of such incredible upsets. And to top it all off, I’m playing with Movie Quotes again this week.


Oh, and kudos go out to F4EHokie for hooking me and my friends up with tickets to the game. You da man, Tom!

Thanks also to the Internet Movie Database for help with the quotes. (What, you think I knew all these quotes from memory?)

Top 25

(#1) Miami (10-0) @ (#13) Virginia Tech (8-2)

This pick here is the king of all no-brainers, next to Virginia Tech – Virginia. I don’t even know why I’m making a comment here, because nothing needs to be said. Does it?
What? You want a quote for this one? Alright, I’ve got your quote right here! "I want this [team] dead! I want [their] family dead! I want [their] house burned to the ground! I want to go there in the middle of the night and [BLEEEP!] on the ashes!" – DeNiro always has the best quotes, like this one from The Untouchables.

(#2) Florida (9-1) @ (#4) Tennessee (9-1)

It’s pretty much a coin toss, here. Who do you dislike more? As far as football goes, I would go with the upset, because right now Tennessee looks more beatable for the SEC West Champions
Root: "There’s nothing stronger than the heart of a volunteer." – Alec Baldwin as Jimmy Doolittle in Pearl Harbor. Lousy movie, but…ahhh, but nothing.

(#3) Texas (10-1) @ (#10) Colorado (9-2)

Awww, poor Texas. Now they actually have to play a game to get into the BCS, instead of the free ride they would have had, had Oklahoma not lost last weekend. Tough noogies, ‘Horns. Now you get to play the team that jumped up and bit Nebraska right on the patootie. Well done last week, Colorado.
Root: "Can I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo." – Chevy Chase, in Fletch

Oregon State (5-5) @ (#5) Oregon (9-1)

Wasn’t this game supposed to be one of the national "Games of the Year"? Somebody forgot to factor the SI jinx into the equation. No real rooting reason here, except for more carnage in the Top 25.
Root: "I can’t still be working here when I go to court. ‘Oh, yes, your Honor! I have a job! I’m working at the Eager Beaver!’" – Demi Moore in Striptease. And no, I’m not doing Lousy Movie Quotes tonight, it’s just happening that way.

(#7) Brigham Young (11-0) @ Mississippi State (3-7)

Somebody’s gotta be able to beat Bring ‘em Young. Unfortunately, I don’t think it’s going to be Mississippi State.
Root: "Once, we successfully mated a bulldog with a shi-tsu." "Really?" "Yeah, we called it a…" you figure out the rest. Dumb and Dumber, by the way. (I’d have called for brownie points on how the quote ends, but I don’t think that Will would appreciate people putting the answer on the boards.)

Note from Will: Good call.

(#12) Stanford (8-2) @ San Jose State (3-8)

Does anybody east of the Mississippi even remotely care about this game? I didn’t think so.
Root: "Spartan? John Spartan? Oh, [crap]! They’ll let anybody into this century!" – Yes, I know, another lousy movie in Demolition Man.

(#18) Marshall (10-1) @ Toledo (8-2)

Time for Marshall’s annual butt-whooping in the MAC Championship. At least this year they won’t be sentenced to Detroit for their bowl game.
Root: "Wait a minute. I just lit a rocket. Rockets explode! AAAAHHHHHHHH!"Toy Story, one of the few good movies in this here WRG.

Houston (0-10) @ (#19) Georgia (7-3)

I miss my first Georgia-Georgia Tech game in five years, and look what happens! The silver britches win. ARRRGH! This is one of those times I’d like to type out a whole Yosemite Sam rant. (Is it just me, or does he always say "rassa-frackin’" in his rants? Those of you with kids, pull out your old Looney Tunes tapes and let me know, willya?)
Root: "Sorry to hear about Cougar. He and I were like brothers in flight school. He was a good man." "Still is a good man." "Yeah, that’s what I meant."Top Gun, making it two good movies in a row. Ain’t that sumthin’?

Utah State (4-6) @ (#21) Fresno State (10-2)

Fresno State has a 13 game season? And they say a playoff would be too many games? *sigh*
Root: 5 brownie points for a movie quote with "Aggie" in it

(#22) Auburn (7-3) @ (#23) LSU (7-3)

What fun. The winner of this game gets to lose to the Tennessee-Florida winner. Or maybe not, considering last weekend. CARNAGE! Best option here is to go with LSU, because it would make our schedule next year look better.
Root: "Hmm. 60 seconds. Well, how would you like that? How about alphabetical? Aardvark, baboon, caribou, dolphin, eohippus, fox, gorilla, hyena, ibex, jackal, kangaroo, lion, marmoset, Newfoundland, ocelot, panda, rat, sloth, tiger, unicorn, varmint, whale, yak, zebra. Now ‘varmint’ is a stretch; so is ‘Newfoundland’ (that's a dog breed); ‘unicorn’ is mythical; ‘eohippus’ is prehistoric. But you weren't being very specific, now, were you, Bob?" – Oh, what the heck, let’s make this another 5 brownie points. Name the movie, and describe the scene.

Other Games of Interest

UAB (6-4) @ Pittsburgh (5-5)

Pitt needs this one to be bowl eligible. And we need this one for the Big East to fill up their bowl allotment.
Root: "Sorry I ruined your Black Panther party." – Yes, I used that before, but it’s such a good line. I just wish I could have used that line in Pittsburgh a month back.

Notre Dame (4-6) @ Purdue (6-4)

Thank you, Stanford. Notre Dame cannot be bowl eligible. And Purdue can close the books on Bob Davie with a loss.
Root: "This is grain, which any fool can eat, but for which the Lord intended a more divine means of consumption. Let us give praise to our (Boiler)Maker and glory to His bounty by learning about... BEER!" – Great quote. And an easy 5 brownie points. Name the movie.

Penn State (5-5) @ Virginia (4-7)

After we ended Virginia’s hopes of being bowl-eligible, the Wahoo’s can now turn the table and do the same for the Nittany Lions. But is this what we should root for? Hmmm…Penn State…Virginia…Penn State…Virginia…Sorry, can’t root for Virginia. As VTHT93 says, "I’d root for Ebola before I’d root for Virginia." (It doesn’t matter…Penn State won’t get a bowl, because as many as 65 teams can be qualified for the 50 bowl spots, according to cbs.sportsline.com.)
Root: "He helped Joshua fight the battle of Jericho, yes! He helped Daniel get out the (Nittany) lion's den, he helped Gilligaaaaan get off the island." – Whoops, sorry. Another good movie (Coming to America) got mixed up in this WRG. Sorry.

Utah (7-3) @ Air Force (5-6)

Why is this game in here? Easy. The boys in blue are ripping up Afghanistan right now. Utah should be no problem.
Root: "I couldn't be fonder of you if you were my own son. But, well, if you lose a son, its possible to get another. There's only one Maltese Falcon." – Classic movie, The Maltese Falcon.

Georgia Tech (7-4) @ Florida State (6-4)

What’s more important here? Beating a 7-4 Florida State team in the Gator Bowl? Or beating a 6-5 Florida State team in the Gator Bowl, and giving them their first non-winning season since 1976, Bowden’s first year as coach? I’m thinking the latter, but that may just be my Georgia Tech bias peeking through.
Root: "Do you want this (Yellow) jacket? I don’t need it. Because I’m *cloaked* in *failure*!" – Last brownie point question. And it’s an easy one. Name the movie and the circumstances under which that quote was spoken.

Clemson (5-5) @ Duke (0-¥ )

I sure would like to see Duke finish a second season winless, but at the expense of another ACC team being bowl eligible? Hmmm…which one is more embarrassing to the ACC?
Root: Two quotes from one of my personal Top Five Movies: "The greatest trick the (Blue) devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist." And…"How do you shoot the (Blue) devil in the back? What if you miss?"The Usual Suspects. Classic movie, truly classic.

North Texas (5-5) @ Troy State (6-4)

For probably the first time in NCAA history (I don't know, I'm not a stats guy, I just know that with 2 games left last year, Alabama could've done it), there can be a conference champion with a losing record. A Trojan victory here would make UNT (the Sun Belt Chump...I mean Champ) 5-6, forcing them to appeal to the NCAA to play their bowl game. What a riot!
Root: Lucy Chadman, struggling to get into a dress: "Argh! I feel like I'm caught in a Trojan! A pleated Trojan! With fringe!" - Hello, Again!

Navy (0-9) @ Army (2-8)

Let’s finish up with the best rivalry game of the year, bar none. Navy had a successful season last year—they were 1-10, but that 1 win was against Army. That’s what it’s all about, folks. Now, to paraphrase ESPN.com: Is there any way these guys could schedule a Middle Taliban State? They’d pound the hell out of them.
Root: Navy. No quote here, but a story, explaining the pick. A little "Did you know?" from the base newspaper where I work:

"The following true tale is from the history of the oldest commissioned warship in the world, the USS Constitution. It comes by way of the National Park Service, as printed in ‘Oceanographic Ships, Fore and Aft’, a periodical by the oceanographer of the US Navy.

"On 23 August 1779, the USS Constitution set sail from Boston, loaded with 475 officers and men, 48,600 gallons of water, 74,000 cannon shot, 11,500 pounds of black powder, and 79,400 gallons of rum. Her mission: to destroy and harass British shipping.

"On 6 October, she made Jamaica, took on 826 pounds of flour and 68,300 gallons of rum. Three weeks later, Constitution reached the Azores, where she provisioned with 550 pounds of beef and 2,300 gallons of Portuguese wine.

"On 18 November, she set sail for England, where her crew captured and scuttled 12 English merchant vessels and took aboard their rum. By this time Constitution had run out of shot. Nevertheless, she made her way unarmed up the Firth of Clyde for a night raid. Here, her landing party captured a whiskey distillery, transferred 13,000 gallons aboard, and headed for home.

"On 20 February 1780, the Constitution arrived in Boston with no cannon shot, no food, no powder, no rum and no whiskey. She did, however, still carry her crew of 475 officers and men and 18,600 gallons of water. The math is quite enlightening: Length of cruise:181 days. Booze consumption: 1.26 gallons per man per day (this does NOT include the unknown quantity of rum captured from the 12 English merchant vessels in November).

"Naval historians say that the reenlistment rate from this cruise was 92 percent."

I don’t know about you, but that makes most of us tailgaters look like lightweights, in comparison. That’s why I’m rooting for the Navy here. Makes me proud I work for them.

So be happy, be drunk, and be LOUD this weekend. I know I will. I’ll come back one last time with a Bowl Rooting Guide.


-- Matthew McKinley (Freddyburg Hokie)


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