Weekend Rooting Guide
by Matthew McKinley, 11/8/01

Apparently, the 80’s music lines made the last WRG a chart-topper, so I decided to continue that, but with a different slant. Welcome to the Movie Quotes version of the Weekend Rooting Guide.

But alas, in Hokie World, things are not quite as "upbeat". Disaster struck in Pittsburgh as the Panthers laid the smackdown on Virginia Tech, all but knocking the Hokies out of BCS contention. As a result, there’s been a bit of a change in the WRG this weekend. Since SOS is really no longer a factor for us, I don’t have to put in all those MAC teams and 1-AA teams. Which is a bonus, because it was really annoying having to root for Eastern Washington over Cal-State Northridge. C’mon, do you really think I’d watch that if it were on TV? I’d say something like, "I hope EWU wins," as I flipped the TV over to QVC, or something else that’s more interesting than the game.

Beerman already pointed out the second bonus of no more SOS reliance: I can root against UVa without worrying what it will do to us. Eeeeexcelllllent, Smithers!

So what I’m going to do from here on out is the ESPN/USA Today Coaches' Poll Top 25, VT Opponents, and a few other games that might have interest. And the categories are gone now, so we can have a little fun with this. And I’ve gotta kick it off with a quote:

"Let’s roooock!" - Vasquez, in Aliens

Top 25

(#1) Miami (7-0) @ Boston College (6-2) – 12pm

Tech fans really need Miami to stay undefeated. Why? Because Syracuse won’t lose another BE game other than Miami, and that’s what we need to go to the BCS. So, Miami staying on top of the polls is a good thing.
Root: "Hate put me in prison. Love’s gonna bust me out." – Ruben "Hurricane" Carter

Kansas State (4-4) @ (#2) Nebraska (10-0) – 3:30pm

But you know what’s fun about this right now? There’s still no reason not to root for carnage in the rankings.
Root: "You tell that Wildcat to keep it above 50!" – Do I really need to credit this one?

(#3) Florida (7-1) @ (#15) South Carolina (7-2) – 7:45pm

Ohhhh, man. There are so many good quotes I could use for this game. Better try to keep it clean, though, Will might pull my message board password.
Root: "Well I believe in the soul, the Gamecocks, the small of a woman’s back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, that the novels of Susan Sontag are self-indulgent overrated crap…" Sorry, it’s just too long to put it all in, but it deserves to be here. One of the greatest movie quotes of all time. "Oh, my!"

Texas A&M (7-2) @ (#4) Oklahoma (8-1) – 12pm

aTm is like a sister school to us. That and they’re on our schedule for next year. And wouldn’t it be cool to meet them in the Insight.com Bowl? So many reasons, so little room…
Root: "Have to fly, have to fight, have to crow, have to save (M)-Aggie, have to save Jack, Hook is back." – Toodles in Hook

Kansas (2-6) @ (#5) Texas (8-1) – 12:30pm

I’m going to have to go with a negative rooting pick here, just because the line I want to use fits so perfectly.
(Don’t) Root: "God, I hate Texas!" – LT in Any Given Sunday

Memphis (4-4) @ (#6) Tennessee (6-1) – 2pm

And I wish there was a quote like that to go with Tennessee. Alas, there is not.
Root: "Their Tiger-style kung-fu is strong, but our dragon-style will defeat it!" – Ahhhh, American Pie. Do they do Instant Classics for movies? ;^)

(#7) Oregon (8-1) @ (#16) UCLA (6-2) – 3:30pm

You know, we probably should root for UCLA, but I have a feeling there’ll be plenty of Bear quotes in the WRG. I’ve gotta go with Oregon, just for this quote:
Root: "Every Duck has his limit, and you scum have pushed me over the line!"Howard the Duck. Lousy movie, but oooooohhhhh, Lea Thompson!

(#8) Washington (7-1) @ Oregon State (3-5) – 6pm

Miami will be fine with BC, Syracuse, and us on their schedule. (Too bad they’ll lose to us, though.) Carnage. Must have carnage.
Root: "Saayyyy, nice beaver." "Thanks, I just had it stuffed." Naked Gun, OJ’s greatest movie.

(#9) Brigham Young (9-0) @ Wyoming (2-6) – 3pm

Serious pick here. Bring ‘em Young won’t even sniff a BCS bowl, but we still should want them to lose a game. Just on general principle.
Root: "Do you really think you have a chance against us, Mister Cowboy?" "Yippee-cay-yay, [you bad man, you]" – Is the next Die Hard movie going to be on the International Space Station? I can see it now…

North Carolina State (5-3) @ (#10) Florida State (6-2) – 3:30pm

It’s time for somebody else to take over the reins in the ACC. Florida State needs to lose here.
Root: "So pretty please – with sugar on top….clean the freakin’ car!" – Winston Wolf(pack) in Pulp Fiction

Clemson (5-3) @ (#11) Maryland (8-1) – 7pm

What? Do you think I want Maryland to win the ACC? Shyeah, right! Maybe if they put Tech on the schedule, I might root for them!
Root: "Giang Hu is a world of tigers and dragons, full of corruption." – Li Mu Bai, in Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

(#12) Washington State (8-1) @ Arizona State (4-4) – 6:30pm

Wouldn’t it be just great if all the teams ahead of us lost? And kept losing? Maybe that can start this week.
Root: "Have you ever danced with the (Sun) Devil in the pale moonlight? I ask that of all my prey." – the Joker, in Batman

Minnesota (3-5) @ (#13) Michigan (6-2) – 12:10pm

Should we root for the clock operator in this game as well? BWAAAAHAHAHAHA!
Root: "Who's the gopher's ally? His friends. The harmless squirrel and the friendly rabbit." – if you don’t know this one, you need help

Penn State (3-4) @ (#14) Illinois (7-1) – 3:30pm

What was it I said about SOS? Oh, yeah. We don’t have to root for those teams anymore, really. Good. I hate Penn State.
Root: "I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational at the H.A.L. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you." – H.A.L. in 2001: A Space Odyssey

(#17) Georgia Tech (6-2) @ Virginia (3-6) – 3:30pm

Now this is what I’m talking about. I haven’t rooted for UVA all year, but I’ve felt guilty because it hurts our SOS. No more, my friends, no more. BTW, this is the team I want to win the ACC. But y’all already knew that, I’m sure. ;^)
Root: "Seven….six….two….millimeter. Full….metal….(Yellow) Jacket." – Private Pyle in Full Metal Jacket, one of the best DI movies of all time.

West Virginia (3-5) @ (#18) Syracuse (7-2) – 12pm

Let’s see, do we root for Syracuse to do well? Or do we root for West Virginia and hope that BC beats Miami? That’s a tough one. Let’s face it, the latter is not going to happen. Plus, I’ve got a good quote for Syracuse.
Root: "Did you know that by mixing equal parts of gasoline and frozen orange-(man) juice concentrate you can make napalm?" – Tyler Durden, in Fight Club. Strange flick, but good twist near the end.

(#19) Stanford (5-2) @ Arizona (3-5) – 7pm

Man, Stanford was looking pretty impressive until last weekend. Aw, heck, they still look impressive. All the more reason to root against them. (This quote is a stretch, but it’s too good to pass up.)
"Next time some eight-foot-tall, Wild-(cat)-eyed maniac taps the back of your favorite head up against the barroom wall and asks you if you've paid your dues, well, you just do what ole Jack Burton always does at a time like that. You stare that sucker right back in the eye. ‘Have you paid your dues, Jack?’ ‘Yes, sir, the check is in the mail.’" – Jack Burton, in Big Trouble in Little China. Lots of great quotes in that movie.

(#20) Colorado (7-2) @ Iowa State (5-3) – 7pm

I’m getting sick of the Big Eks-Eye-Eye. The top three stink, so I’m rooting for all the rest to lose.
Root: "Dr. Evil, we began a program to (Cy)-clone you. He’s exactly like you in every way…except he’s 1/8 your size."

Auburn (6-2) @ (#21) Georgia (5-2) – 3:30pm

Hey, I’m still giving props to Auburn for beating Florida a month ago, even though I already have a few Tiger quotes.
Root: "Permit me to introduce myself. I am Tanaka. Please call me Tiger." – Yep, here’s the brownie points opportunity. Name that movie.

(#22) Virginia Tech (6-2) @ Temple (2-6) – 12pm

Forget Temple Time. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Hokies roll.

Indiana (2-5) @ (#23) Michigan State (5-2) – 12:10pm

I’m willing to bet that Indiana will happen to have people watching the scoreboard operators, too, Beerman.
Root: "This is Louisiana, chief! I mean, how do you know Hoosier daddy is? Because your mama told you so?"
– What the heck, another brownie points opportunity. Name that movie.

(#24) Purdue (5-2) @ Ohio State (5-3) – 12:10pm

Pur-don’t is still ranked? Well, at least they’re ranked below us. This one is gonna be tough to come up with a quote for, either way. Ahh, I’ve got it….
Root: "Just remember what ol' Jack Burton does when the earth quakes, the poison arrows fall from the sky, and the pillars of Heaven shake. Yeah, Jack Burton just looks that big old storm right in the (Buck)-eye and says, ‘Give me your best shot. I can take it.’" – Can’t have too much Jack Burton. Or cowbell.

Houston (0-8) @ (#25) Louisville (8-1) – 2pm

Gee. Another no-brainer. It’s always a no-brainer when Loserville is playing.
Root: "You two characters…are going to Top Gun. For five weeks you’re gonna fly against the best fighter pilots in the world. You were number two, Cougar was number one. Cougar lost it, turned in his wings. Now you guys are number one. But you remember one thing. You screw up just this much, you’ll be flying a cargo plane full of rubber dog-[crap] out of Hong Kong!" "Yes, sir!" "That is all."Top Gun, still one of the best quote movies of all time.

VT Opponents

Utah State (2-5) @ Connecticut (2-6) – 12pm

Do I really have to care about this one? Please?
Root: "You are not fat, you are not. Honey, you're husky, you're... you're well-built, you're macho!" - Dolly, in Heavy. (Nope, I haven’t seen it either. Thank you IMDB.)

Pittsburgh (3-5) @ Rutgers(2-6) – 1:30pm

Sad as it may sound, it really is in our best interests to root for Pitt. Now next year, that’s a different story!
Root: "Sorry I ruined your Black Panther party." – You can never go wrong with Forrest Gump.

Central Florida (5-4) @ Arkansas (5-3) – 2pm

Am I seeing this right? Can UCF be bowl eligible if they win here? Bizarro-world, I tell you!
Root: "Now, once more, I must ride with my (Golden) Knights to defend what was, and the dream of what could be!" – King Arthur, in Excalibur. Great flick, I highly recommend it.

Other Games of Interest

Tulane (2-8) @ Navy (0-7) – 12pm

Believe it or not, Navy does have a win so far. Well, the game is still in progress. It’s Navy 218, Taliban 0.
Root: "Can you understand this, Mr. Byam? Discipline is the thing. A seaman's a seaman. A captain's a captain. And a midshipman, Sir Joseph or no Sir Joseph, is the lowest form of animal life in the British Navy!" – Captain Bligh, in Mutiny on the Bounty.

Wake Forest (4-4) @ North Carolina (5-4) – 12pm

Wake Forest 34, Virginia 30. BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!
Root: "The Demon (Deacon) is a liar. He will lie to confuse us. But he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, but powerful. So don't listen, remember that, do not listen." - 5 more brownie points available here. Name that movie.

Texas Tech (5-3) @ Oklahoma State (2-6) – 2pm

Texas Tech is one of the teams we’re projected to face in the Insight.com Bowl. Might as well put them here.
Root: "Transfer of bodily fluids? Do you know what that leads to?" "Yeah, I do! Smoking, kids, and a desire to (Red) Raid (-ers) the fridge." – Okay, I know. Demolition Man sucks, but it’s still a good quote.

Buffalo (2-7) @ Army (2-6) – 1pm

Well, the Army has only gotten in the game on Special Teams, so far, but it already seems like they’ve blocked a punt or two.
Root: "It is difficult to associate these horrors with the proud civilizations that created them. Sparta, Rome, The (Black) Knights of Europe, the Samurai. They worship strength, because it is strength that makes all other values possible." – I wanted to use Monty Python here, but his quote by Han from Enter the Dragon seemed too good to pass up.

Fresno State (7-2) @ Southern Methodist (2-5) – 3pm

Wow, nobody seems to be talking about Fresno State anymore. So, let’s "Keep up the skeer" and root for them to lose some more.
Root: "I should be at the dance. I was at the dance. Dancing perfectly. With a hot chick. She wanted me. I know she wanted me. Well every girl wants me. But instead I'm sitting out here freezing my ass off in some butt-ugly red Mustang." – Dinger, from Dream a Little Dream. Story of my life, man, story of my life. ;^)

Air Force (5-3) @ Colorado State (4-5) – Thursday, 7:30pm

But it’s Air Force that’s really putting up the points on Taliban U. Daisy Cutters, Bunker Busters, and Spooky Gunships. They’ve got an offensive arsenal more powerful than BYU’s.
Root: "Fast ship? You’ve never heard of the Millennium Falcon?" "Should I have?" "It’s the ship that made the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs." – OK, we need some commentary here. Big mistake by George Lucas here. A parsec is a unit of distance, equal to approximately 3.26 light-years, but he uses it as a unit of time here. So what does he do? In the later books, he tries to explain it away by putting Kessel near a group of black holes, and saying that Han Solo skimmed closer to them than anyone else, cutting distance and time from the trip. Nice try, George, but you’re busted.

Sorry about that, I guess I just physics-geek-ed out there.

Well that about wraps up the Movie Quotes edition of the Weekend Rooting Guide. For those of you who didn’t go to Pittsburgh last weekend, well, the game wasn’t much to see, but what a road trip! If you’re ever there, visit the Church brewery on Liberty Street. It’s a former Catholic Church converted into a brew pub, and the pilsner beer they brew, Celestial Gold, it’s…well….heavenly.

I think I’ll finish up the WRG with a few quotes, one from last weekend, and one for this weekend:

Last weekend: "I may not be one for keeping up on current events, but we just got our [butts] kicked, pal!" – Hudson, in Aliens. Another movie with a heckuva lot of great quotes.

And another one from Aliens, for this weekend: "Look, man. I only need to know one thing. Where they are." – That says it all.

They’re in Philly, Vasquez, and so am I. See y’all there.

-- Matthew McKinley (Freddyburg Hokie)


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